Sunday, January 20, 2013

When I Grow Up

          When I was a little girl every year we went to my grandparents house for Christmas Eve dinner. During dinner  my grandpa would always go around the table and ask us one by one what we wanted to be when we grew up.   I was very shy and never really knew what to say.  He was a very smart, educated, and successful man.  I felt like he wanted me to tell him that I planned on being a doctor, or a teacher.  As a young girl I was conflicted.  I wanted my grandpa to be proud of me.  I wasn't so sure that he'd be proud of my dream job.   More than anything else, when I grew up  I wanted to be a mother.   And so my journey begins.
              I was the 14 year old girl that had every babysitting job. I loved it, I loved being around children.   I got older, went to college, served a mission, and eventually got married.   I was 25 and most of my friends were already married with two kids.   I was all right with this.  I had a wonderful man by my side with plenty of time to start a family.  
            A few years passed by and it was still just the two of us.  My journey to motherhood was taking longer than I expected.  I felt guilty feeling sorry for myself.  I realized that my life was jam packed with blessings.   The spirit constantly whispered to me that I just needed to be patient.   And patient I was.  I learned from this experience that you can be patient and still feel pain.   You can appreciate the blessings that God gives to you and still feel sorrow .  It was hard watching everyone around me have babies.  It was even harder watching those babies grow up.  You see, I wasn't just "baby hungry."  I wanted a child.  Turning 30 was depressing.  I still hadn't  accomplished my dream.   I felt unemployed.  It was becoming increasingly more difficult to remain happy in spite of my circumstance.   This does not mean that a dark cloud surrounded me.   I successfully managed to maintain healthy relationships, serve faithfully at church, an find joy in my every day life.   I learned that this trial was not put in my life to stop me.   It was not meant as a stumbling block.  This was my life and it was my job to magnify it.  
            The encouraging sense of patience that the spirit offered me quickly changed to a feeling of action.   It was time to try something different.   My husband and I both felt strongly that we needed to look into adoption.  We knew that we would be moving soon.   Logically it made sense to start the adoption process after we moved to Georgia. The spirit told us otherwise.    We finished the extensive paperwork and home study and waited.  Shortly after the move we contacted the adoption agency and went to work.   It felt like it took forever to get the ball rolling.   I was constantly calling to try and speed up the process.   I had a strong feeling of urgency.   I'm sure they were wondering why I was in such a hurry.   Fifteen days after we were approved as adoptive parents our son  Elijah was born.
            When  Elijah was a few months old I recall driving down the highway listening to him scream in his car seat.  I cried.  At that moment it was the most beautiful sound.   My child was crying because he wanted me, his mom! I pulled over and held him tight.  I thank God that he armed me with patience for my long journey. I'm forever grateful that he made me wait.  For without those years of waiting I know that Elijah's little voice would not be the one waking me up at 7:00 am every morning.  He would not be around to offer me his sweet hugs and kisses throughout the day. I finally have the best job in the world. I am a mother.  Even though my grandpa is no longer alive, I know that he is proud of me.